Ashley Beach-Author and Storyteller

Have you ever reached points in your life where you feel like you’ve gotten off track or the cogs of your life just aren’t quite lining up correctly? Like a part of you is just off or missing and you can’t figure out how to get back to the place you were supposed to be in life? 

I have posted very little in many months about my books or had much time or energy to work on them. A lot of it has been because of busyness and unexpected life circumstances that have taken my life many different directions than planned. I took this season off from the choir I’m in because after the first months of the new year, life became very busy for me in every aspect possible and I needed a break and a small season of rest. My soul was longing for a time where I could get back on track in my relationship with God and I even wrote down a list of prayers I had for my season off. Prayers for peace of mind, rest and rejuvenation. Prayers for physical energy and time to workout and eat right and find better health for me in general. Prayers for mental energy to finish editing my latest book, The Alabaster Jar and money to get it published. Prayers for time to play piano again and read for fun. Other prayers on my list were to re-find my identity in Christ and reassurance in His leading, and better focus on God and deepening my relationship with Him.

The last two prayers may seem odd for someone who markets themself as a Christian author penning faith-based fairytales and Christian adventure books. I completely believe in my books and the amazing messages and stories God gave me to write in each and every one of them, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that He gave me these stories. My first book turns 5 this August which absolutely blows my mind to think about that first book being out for five years and all the books that have since followed. The first book in my Heart of God series also celebrates a publishing anniversary this month and every year, I’ve shared how amazing it is for both of the first books in my two series to have been published in the same month just a couple years apart, and how it’s also my birthday month, so just a kind of cool aligning of God events for those big milestones in my life. My books have each been an amazing experience to write and share with others and I’m always grateful God chose me to write them. Spiritually and emotionally, these stories have been an outlet for me to share my story and my life experiences and my relationship and walk with God in a way I would have never shared with anyone. They’ve been healing and releasing to me and impact me every time I read them, or write them, or edit them, or even write/talk about them. They’ve all contained lessons God has wanted me to learn personally, but I believe He also gave them to me as a way to bring hope to others and see His amazing love in the pages of these stories. So, if it’s been such an amazing experience authoring and publishing these books, why am I praying to re-find my identity in Christ and focus more on God?

It can be a hard thing and become overwhelming at times to be a “Christian” in the public eye. The faith stories in these books have always been my focus in sharing about them and the messages in them from the start and it is something I almost always emphasize in my posts and videos about them because it’s so important to me to share the deeper messages within. But, with taking a public stand like that, an underlying pressure to always be “on” or always say the right spiritual thing, or right encouragement for the day and always be representing God and Christ starts to seep in. I don’t know if other Christian authors or artists or public figures ever feel this pressure, but in my experience, I knew certain things weren’t always in perfect alignment with God and me and I felt like sometimes I couldn’t post things because I myself maybe didn’t fully believe it at that time in my life because of circumstances going on, or I was struggling with different things so I didn’t want to post something that wasn’t fully true in my life, or just different things. I even felt that way with finishing editing my latest book and maybe that’s why I haven’t taken the time to sit down and just finish working on it. Because maybe I just feel I’m out of sync enough with God, that I can’t finish editing the book that points to Him and His glory until I get myself figured out with Him.

Ironically, getting ready to enter this season of rest, my mom had a bad fall and broke her shoulder at the ball and joint and had 4 bones kind of hanging there plus a broken rotator cuff among some other things and life became busy in a different way taking her to appointments and surgery and working full time and taking care of the house and helping her when she needed things she couldn’t do herself. Thankfully, we’ve had lots of prayers and love given to us in this unexpected season in our lives and different people provided meals or gift cards during that time and some have helped take her to appointments or helped out in other ways and we are both very grateful for everything people have done for us during this time. The first couple weeks were definitely the roughest for both of us and I admit I got a little frustrated at God because those first few weeks after her break and surgery were anything but restful for each of us and I didn’t know how I was supposed to find a season of “rest” in that and find the time I desperately need to get my mind and heart straightened out and find that peace I’ve been frantically longing for and looking for months. My mom is very strong and a fighter and very quickly started figuring out how to do things on her own. She figured out how to get in and out of her sling on her own, which it’s not just a little sling, it’s a gigantic one with straps and buckles everywhere that she affectionately named Big Bertha, but she channeled her inner Apollo (my nephew and her grandson) and figured out how to get out of it and came into my office and just smiled at me. I give her flack for doing so much on her own, but she needed to move and each little accomplishment has helped her down the road to recovery and the doctors and PT people have commented on how surprised they are at her good attitude about the whole thing and the progress she’s made. The medical assistant for the ortho doctor even told her they need someone like her around the office all the time to boost morale and encourage patients 🙂.

I have found some time to rest in the last few weeks, and more importantly, I am slowly starting to find my way back to where I need to be in life. I can assure you, I’ve never stopped believing in God, but different battles I’ve faced over the years or different things I’ve gone through, I think I just kept getting more battle worn and battle scarred and everything kept knocking me down and drowning me in waves of sorrow or loss, or overwhelming and overtaking my life and I reached a point where I wasn’t even fighting anymore. I was just so dead and so exhausted, the enemy was just taking over pieces of my life and running me ragged so I couldn’t even put up a fight anymore. I would hear how God was working in different people’s lives and would be happy for those people, but would often just sit and wonder when my rescue story would be coming. I believe in God’s redemption because I’ve seen it in other people’s lives, but kept waiting for my redemption story to happen. I knew He had overcome death and overcame the Devil, but it felt like He was silent and distant in my life and wasn’t hearing my cries for Him to overcome those areas in my life that I couldn’t escape on my own and He wouldn’t intervene on my behalf. My mind and heart have been so full of chaos and to do lists and a thousand other things that need to get done and it kept me from finding that rest and that peace with God that I so desperately wanted and needed and when life picked up again but in a different way, I was at my end and didn’t know how I could keep fighting or taking on just one more thing.

When I didn’t end up getting the time I needed to find my place with God again, I started praying for sleep to be restful so I could have the energy needed to start taking care of my life. Sleep can be an amazing antidote to feeling weary and I’m grateful for the nights I get the rest I need. Satan definitely fought back though because he knew once I started getting rest, I could start focusing on God and His love and power in my life again, so I started having nightmares or not so restful nights of sleep or being faced with different images or thoughts in my dreams that dragged me right back down into the miry pit I was trying so desperately to get out of. So, I asked God to take control of my dreams, because that’s a place I can’t control what happens and if I can’t control what happens in my dreams, how can I find peace and rest in Him. He gave me some good dreams and restful nights after that and I took that as a good faith promise from Him that He is still there, He does still love me, and He’s on His way to rescue me. Some circumstances in the last few years shook my faith to its core and I feel like I’ve been on a long road to recovery after those things happened. I never stopped believing in God or who He was or what He is capable of, but I think deep down, I didn’t TRUST Him to come through for me anymore. I had been abandoned by people on this earth and that left a deep wound in my heart that whispered to me that God had abandoned me too. I had lost HOPE in the God of the universe to truly love me and come for me, and I didn’t know how to get past that. How do you reignite a flame that went out so many years ago? How do you resurrect a dead and dying heart that’s barely learned to beat again over the last few years? I felt like a part of me had died and I didn’t know how I would ever get that back again.

I’m not as far in my heart recovery as my mom is with her shoulder. She still has some months ahead of her of PT and recovery and has to be faithful in doing her exercises to teach her shoulder how to function again and relearn how to work properly. She’s able to do more and more every day and little things like doing her hair and makeup herself, or tying her shoes, or putting in her earrings by herself are big victories for her, and I feel like that is kind of where I am at right now with my spiritual journey. I’m slowly starting to walk down the road to recovery and find victory in the little things that are drawing me back to God and slowly restoring my HOPE and TRUST in Him and His love and purpose for my life. I’m learning to slowly let go of some things and open myself up to what He has for my life and trust and rest in His timing and where He has me in my life right now. I’m feeling more ready to start editing again and sharing about my books again, and maybe I’ll even find time to play piano and read like I had hoped to start doing a couple months ago to find joy and rest in that. I’m still praying those things for my life that I wrote down a couple months ago, but I feel like some of it is actually starting to happen and I pray it continues. I’m reminding myself constantly that it’s ok to be where I’m at in life and I don’t have to get there fast, as long as I’m working towards it a little bit every day. And even if I fall off the track, I pray I can get back up again and continue to carry on in His strength and not my own. And also trying to remember that even messy seasons like this are a part of the bigger story God is writing with my life and my story is still beautiful, even if I don’t feel like it is in the moment.

I’m hoping to start posting more in the coming weeks and might share bits about my first books in both series or see where God is leading in that part of my life. I’m also hoping to get finished editing The Alabaster Jar and hope to have a more substantial update on that one soon! As always, I’m looking for places to do book signings/author events, or even vendor events to get into with my books, so if you know of anywhere (church, school, libraries, bookstores, book clubs, social groups, whatever) let me know! I love you all and am forever grateful for your love and support. Praying you see the beauty in your story no matter what season of life you are in.