Ashley Beach-Author and Storyteller

Original post on my devotional blog:

Have you ever noticed that when a relationship is failing, we automatically cast blame on the other person and chide them for how they have failed. All the things they haven’t done. All the ways they weren’t the person you needed them to be. How their lack of or inability to is what pushed us to do and make the choices that we have and did. And though those things may be very true and real, have you ever thought about that fact that you also were a part of that relationship failing? Granted, there are valid times when it’s not your fault or things are genuinely bad enough that you need to get out of that situation or you’ve been trying everything to make things work but the other person just doesn’t care enough to keep that relationship afloat and work on things, so don’t hear me wrong on this.

This question came to mind the other day as I sat thinking about my life and my walk with God and it kind of hit me like questions like this tend to do, and it made me start to think about my own actions and how that has likely affected my relationship with God.

I was having a conversation with God a few days ago, crying out to Him because it’s just like I keep living this life of unfulfilled dreams and I keep trying to do His will and make things work and make things right and it seems like nothing I do ever gets me anywhere and I’m trapped living in this unfulfilling life full of wandering and waiting and silence. I’ve been a Christian and follower of God for a good majority of my life. My family was always in church and I’ve spent countless hours praying and pouring into God asking for help, asking for guidance, asking for abundance and blessing and for love and friendships and good jobs. The list goes on. Point is, I’ve prayed. I’ve turned to God in times of sorrow and in times of joy and I know my life would be horrifically different in ways I never want to imagine if He hadn’t been a huge part of my life for all these years. But, I feel like a lot of my life has been so overwhelmed and plunged into the depths on a regular basis for so long, it’s very hard to see Him and feel Him when it’s seemed like He’s left you alone or is so far and between with His responses. Like I keep trying. I keep praying. I keep seeking and doing all the things were supposed to do as Christians and followers of God, and sometimes you just reach this point where you’re asking, “Is it all really worth it?” “What is the point of doing all these things and living your life a certain way or pouring all this time and effort into a ministry or the work God has called you into if nothing is ever going to come from it?”

My conversation was not a new one that I had with Him. I’ve been struggling a lot with just a lot of unfinished dreams in my life that, as I mentioned, don’t seem to ever actually be going anywhere or being fulfilled by God, and my struggle is not that it’s just not God’s will, whether for now or forever. My struggle has been more, “OK, If this path is NOT Your will, then what path am I supposed to pursue instead?” “If not this dream, then what?” “And when?”

It’s been hard to continue to live in the waiting for these dreams to be fulfilled in my life because some of these dreams have been my dreams for most of my life, even from a very young age, and I’m struggling to understand why they are still going unanswered. They are dreams that I know without a shadow of a doubt God has given to me, and just like He promised a son and a legacy and heritage beyond imagination to Abraham, he still had to wait how many years for that promise to be fulfilled? So why am I still waiting for those dreams that I know are from God? If He gave me certain dreams and desires and gifts to step into those dreams, why aren’t they happening or coming to fruition?

Few of you may know my journey over the last few years. I’ve been a very private person most(ok, probably all) of my life and very rarely share personal things with people in my family and friend group, let alone with others outside of that, and if anything has come from this writing journey, it’s pushed me to be ok with being vulnerable and sharing parts of myself with others and being willing to be open and share what God has placed on my heart to share, so when I share personal things, it’s not usually easy for me, but it’s what God has called me to share, so I know He has a reason for asking me to share what I do. And this is not something I had planned on making public knowledge. But here I am.

I have always LOVED acting. That fact may be surprising to a lot of people who know me because I tend to be shy and reserved around people I don’t know very well and it’s only when I’m in my element that my true self shines through, but yes, I’m an introverted theater bug. As a child, I acted out(not just played imagination, but fully acted out) stories in my head, to a point where sending me to my room was an ineffective punishment because I would literally put on a scarf on my head and put one of my play aprons on, get the broom or a rag of some kind and be Cinderella, talking about my evil stepmother and how hard my life was. My punishment became sitting in the kitchen, unable to act out anything (so mean 😜) But I say that to say that being an actress has always been my dream. When people asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was always a Broadway actress. Not even movie star. Broadway Actress. And so dedicated, it wasn’t enough to refer to it as the generic term of “Actor”. It was the full Broadway Actress. Not only did I act stuff out all the time, I also sang pretty much literally ALL the time. My parents have a cassette tape that I apparently recorded over a period of time when I was super little on their little portable tape recorder of me singing some Sunday school songs but also songs I made up. And they have a video of me singing into my jumprope handle with my grandpa and when he tried to sing I told him to stop because it was my turn. Serious business here, Grandpa. The point is, acting and singing have always been a part of me and something I was born with the desire and passion to do. That has been my dream long before anything else. I’ve submitted audition tapes to Sight and Sound over the last few years, which is an amazing theater company that did outstanding Bible- based productions, and as an avid theater lover and participater, Sight and Sound’s productions are far above any Broadway production I’ve seen. So, my love and desire to be an actress was compounded by the opportunity to do what I love at an amazing place like that when I started watching their productions a few years ago and my desires for secular theater were greatly diminished and replaced by a desire to use my gifts in a place that is bringing God’s story to life in a very strong and impactful way. As I said, I’ve submitted an audition tape every year for the last 3 years, and this year when I submitted, I was convinced without a doubt I nailed it and knew the only way I wouldn’t get on was if it wasn’t God’s will. Well, I didn’t get on, which the part of me that’s been in relationship with God for years knew deep down, “OK, it wasn’t God’s will.” And that part of me accepted that. But the part of me that’s been dreaming this dream for as long as I’ve been in relationship with God (maybe even longer), still didn’t(and doesn’t) understand why, if God gave me these dreams and these talents and these gifts and these desires, why is that a dream that is still not being fulfilled?

The week I was recording my audition, I kind of had a meltdown because I knew it wasn’t anywhere it should have been or needed to be to record my audition, but the place and time to record had already been set and I was limited on my time to get it submitted by the deadline, so we couldn’t change it. I had barely had time to practice and prepare in the months leading up to it because I had an unexpected book tour and lots of preparation for that and working a lot of hours at my full time job plus a part time job, and I was just overstressed, beyond exhausted, and overwhelmed with everything. I cried late into the night that night I broke down because I knew I wasn’t even close to being ready and maybe that was His way of telling me to stop auditioning. But, He reminded me that this was my passion and my lifelong dream and He placed these desires and dreams on my heart and you never know if you’re going to make it if you don’t keep trying. So, I slept and went to work the next day, but my head was fuzzy and eyes were swollen from all the crying. I holed up in my room that night after supper just working and working my monologue and did it for my mom after a bit and it had already improved ten fold from the night before. So, God was helping me get from where I could take it to where He could take it. I improved a hundred times the next night and even more and by the time I got to recording day, I felt ready. The week had been supernaturally surrounded by God’s hand and my recording was the same. Normally I have a list of chronic pains or health issues that I face on a daily basis and I struggle to do things sometimes, but that day I didn’t have anything that would have affected my recording. I went out there and gave it my all and put all of my gifts and myself on the line, feeling God helping me the entire time. I submitted it and knew I had done my best and the ONLY reason I wouldn’t get picked was it not being God’s will. And then the waiting. If you’ve never had to wait for THE call or email saying you got the part or a callback, you don’t know what true agony is. The deadline for invitations to be extended passed. Another year of not getting accepted. Another year of not having that dream brought to fruition. Another year of trying to figure out, “If not this, then what?”

I didn’t tell anyone I didn’t get in except my parents. I didn’t want to tell anyone. It hurt too much to share and people would just respond with the generic “I guess it wasn’t God’s will.” I tend to push things off or bury them, so people rarely see how I actually feel about things. So, I didn’t tell anyone and anyone who asked, I gave the pat reply of, “Nope, didn’t get in,” and quickly diverted to another subject. But truth and reality. Not getting in-again- hurt. A lot. My mom and I were watching a movie at some point after I didn’t get in, and I sat there watching for a minute thinking about how these people got to do what they loved and that was their job. And they were good at it. Good enough to have that be their career. It was a struggle to sit there and continue to watch it and not cry about that dream not being fulfilled yet again in my life. I definitely cried when I went down to my room though. As I cried and cried out to God, a strange realization hit me that will likely sound strange for me, a published author, to admit. But, I realized that being an author wasn’t my dream. That had never been anything I had ever thought of pursuing as a career, and as a self-published author with very limited resources, it’s a LOT of hoofing it and back stuff and financial duress to fund and promote all this on your own, and when you don’t see the results of all your hard work, that makes it harder to keep going too. But, it had really never been my dream. Acting had always been my dream. And I can understand if the writing thing was God’s dream for me. It really can’t be anything but, because this whole writing journey has been Him from the start. The stories I’ve written, the whole social media, self-promoting thing, EVERYTHING has been Him, not me. So, fine yes, You’ve given me these stories to write and words to share and a gift for writing things a certain way. But that hasn’t exactly been a profitable venture up to this point, so I’m not exactly seeing the back end of all of this hard work that You’ve called me to. And, I can do that anywhere. I would have no problem continuing to write and produce content if I were a performer at Sight and Sound. So I’m not understanding why, if YOU gave me the talents and desires to do Sight and Sound and YOU divinely aided the audition process, just like You have done for all of my books, then WHY is that still not a thing in my life? And if the whole writing thing is the reason I didn’t get on at Sight and Sound because that’s the direction You are taking me right now, then Why isn’t that taking off either? That and some other dreams I’m still waiting on to be seen and brought to fruition in my life.

So, this conversation, among several like it in the last few months went the direction of me telling God that I’m not being fulfilled by Him. I’m not being protected by Him. I’m not being loved by Him. I’m not being guided by Him. I’m still hurting from different things that have fallen apart in my life that so drastically altered my life. I’m still struggling with things I know I shouldn’t be struggling with. I’m trying to do everything You ask and I’m still not seeing Your end of it. I’m trying to find my way back to You, but I don’t know what’s blocking me or keeping me from getting past all this. This is why people turn to other things. They go years and years without hearing from You or seeing Your hand in their lives and a small part of them still believes You’re there and You’re going to fulfill Your promises. We wouldn’t keep doing the things we do if we didn’t. But it feels like You’re absent in our lives. It feels like You’re not listening. It feels like we have no other choice but to turn to other things because we’re not getting what we need from You.

These things are all very real, very true thoughts in my heart and mind today and it is not the first time I’ve had this conversation with God. But, a couple hours after having this conversation with Him, I heard the question in my mind, “What have you been doing to make this relationship work with Me? Have you been pursuing a relationship with me to get close to me and get to know me, or have you been doing it for what you can get out of it? Are you really trying to get back to me and repair the distance between us,or are you just using the things that have separated us as an excuse as to why you can’t get back to me? Have you been devoting yourself to reading my word, my love letter to you, to find out the truth about me, or are you just living on the fumes of what you previously read and heard about me at some point in your past? A relationship takes two people to make it work. It can’t be just two people living in the same place and living separate lives. A relationship is a union between two people. It’s a constant pursuit and choice to make things work. You can’t have a relationship with me if you aren’t going to put in your own effort and choices. Are you going to choose me? Are you going to make an effort to pursue me and my heart? Are you going to put me above all else in your life? Until this is right between us, all your efforts and all your relationships with others will always fail. We can have a beautiful relationship, but you have to be willing to surrender yourself totally and completely. You have to give of yourself on a personal level. Your heart has to get involved. It can’t keep hiding behind your wall of hurt and mistrust of me.

(Large sigh). Yep. As much as I feel God has failed me, I’ve failed him too. Just like any relationship, both parties have to be open and willing to talk about stuff and make necessary changes to make things work between them. Failures must be admitted and forgiveness must be sought. God’s willingness and desire to make a relationship work with us has never been in question. But it is hard to see that in a world full of broken people trying to make broken relationships work. But, that also doesn’t make it less true.

I don’t know where you are at in your life right now. I don’t know if you are living in a place of lost dreams or if you are living your greatest life. You may be doubting and questioning Him like I am right now. I know I am far from perfect. I have a lot of doubt and mistrust that I need to work through. But my feelings about God don’t change who He is. Unlike humans, GOD is perfect. He is the only one capable of being Who we need. So though you may be in a place where your relationship with God is on rocky ground or in a hard place right now, it doesn’t change the fact of Who and What God is. He is the best person you could be in a relationship with and He’s patient enough and loves you enough to hang in there for the long haul through all your heartaches and joys and doubts and times of strong faith and relationship with Him.

That’s where He is at and I’m praying you discover that as I also work on discovering that and learning about this God who made me and loves me and is still there for me, no matter what. And be encouraged that you are not the only one who struggles with these things. I am up there with the greatest strugglers of all time and will continue to struggle and doubt and grow through all these moments that make up life. But, God’s character and presence will thankfully never change as I strive to make this relationship work between us.

Thank you, God for putting up with all my bumblings and questions and doubts and failures. Help me find a way to get closer to You through this world of lost dreams.